With the decision not to go back to Rutgers still haunting me, and with all my closest friends already have left to there far off universities, I am wondering if I am going to make it through this year ok, or if it will be another big waste of everyone’s time. I going to Bergen community for the semester, and with all plans never to graduate from there, just clearly an in-between, before parsons or NYU—I am wondering if this was a big mistake, big… and that its going to set me back vs. pushing me a long.

I started classes at FIT with cookie. Yet we didnt go to our first day of classes. I guess that is just us. We went to some weirdo bar near Bleecker. This kid i knew died 2 days ago; from vodka... those words keep repeating in my head. 8 people in 6 months i have known has died... sooo fuckn weird. cant get enough of 'kind of like spitting'.

I am at the point where i forgot what makes me happy. In the past two months I have so willingly convinced myself that a certain person makes me happy, however when i look at it from very far away--- it not only makes me irritable, annoyed and angry... it has left me upset, sad, confused and bewildered (and whatever other synonmys fall with those words.) Again, i am put back into that routine circle I was forced to follow for almost three years, but however, its not gravity and i can toally choose to pull away from it. Its just a matter of finding the strengh, not thinking about tomarrow, and being satistfied with the things i truly love. And thats the perdicament i find myself currently in. I can keep myself busy, i have tons of school work, projects, art, and music to fulfuill a life time... its just currently not enough. I need something else, to remind me that I am amazing and... hm... i just figured out why people rebound when they come out of relationships... they need another excitement that attracts them back to the world regardless of feelings, emotions, and physical attractions (being that rebound buddies are normally sooo ugly and boring.)
Ill let you know when i find it.